Wednesday, July 19, 2006

something borrowed, something boob

If you were worried that trailer trash was nearly extinct, worry no more. Famed intellectual Pamela Anderson is remarrying the lovely and understated Kid Rock this Saturday on St. Tropez. With Tommy Lee's blossoming television career impressing the masses, Pammy had little choice but to re-commit to a man motivated by midgets. Aching to know more about this prolific reunion? Bookmark Pam's online diary for daily updates on world politics, human rights, and boobs.
better than cnn.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

p is for poop (p is for pirate)

Yet another reason for the rest of the world to think we're a bunch of rich assholes...Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest took in a record $132 million in its first three days. It soared past the previous all-time best debut, ``Spider-Man," which took in $114.8 million in its first weekend, and raked in nearly double the combined total of the rest of the top 12 movies. Does anyone else think Kiera Knightley talks like there's poop in her butt?

Thursday, July 06, 2006

lindsay fully loaded

Leave it to LaLohan to trouble the disabled. At a Smashbox Cares benefit Monday,an organization which teaches autistic kids how to surf, Linds made sure to make the children's lives just a lil' bit harder. When the shuttle bus full of youngsters pulled up to the designated drop-off at Carbon Beach, it was blocked by Lohan's car. She had parked on Pacific Coast Highway in front of the Polaroid Beach House, where she spent the night after her birthday on Sunday, having misplaced her car keys (read: so coked up, had to sleep on the beach). So the kids had to be dropped off farther up the busy road. At least her heart is in the right place. Right under all that silicon...

fear of queer

Rights shmights! A New York State appeals court overturned a ruling today that the state ban on same-sex marriage was unconstitutional. The state Supreme Court's Appellate Division ruled 4-1 that New York City judge Doris Ling-Cohan erred in her ruling last February. It's one of three gay marriage cases currently working their way up the legal system to New York State's highest court. But Stonewallers, have no fear! Who hasn't dreamt of a Jersey wedding?

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

red white and shlizzered

When the house in the hamptons is under renovation, and the yacht is being leased by la lohan, what is a lone new yorker to do on the festivity of all things patria? I thought I had it all figured out upon hearing that my future boyfriend Zach Condon of Beirut was playing a rooftop show in Williamsburg. I hurried to Other Music to purchase tickets and at last my heart was at ease. But alas, as is his constitutional right, he bagged last minute, and I am again sans plans. My advice? See how many processed foods you can dye red and blue, (I found a delectably disgusting recipe for blueberry mayonnaise) and then smoke a stoge. Oh, and dye the bong water too. God bless America.

Sunday, July 02, 2006


So no one really cares about Ahmet Zappa and Selma Blair. I mean unless you're one of those people who fashions your belief in the institution of marriage on the happiest celebrity unions (read: me). But, c'est la vie, c'est la guerre, the two lovebirds are no more, citing irreconcilable differences after nearly three years of marriage. After most of these heart-wrenching splits, the ladies confide in their girl groups, as Jess did with Eva L and Eva M (can you say Latina fetish?) and Denise did with...oh wait she just fucked another dude. But strange of all stranges, Selma has chosen no shoulder to cry on other than the one and only DIDDY. Us Weekly reports the two were out strolling in Malibu on June 24th. I'm all...Making the band 4?

Saturday, July 01, 2006

the bee breaks out

Damn I been missin this bitch's titties! Or so many Americans have mused since the Queen Bee's lockdown. Now, on this July 4th weekend, we can truly bless our nation's democratic process. Lil' Kim will be released from her Philadelphia prison on Monday July 3. The rapper has been jailed since Sept. 19 after being convicted of lying to a federal grand jury about a shooting outside New York radio station station WQHT. How will her 10 month stint in jail change the mistress of all things naughty, you ask? Perhaps, like Martha, she will find a new beginning. Or, like Martha, she went lezzie with all them hoodrats in her cell. How many licks now, Kim?