red white and shlizzered

When the house in the hamptons is under renovation, and the yacht is being leased by la lohan, what is a lone new yorker to do on the festivity of all things patria? I thought I had it all figured out upon hearing that my future boyfriend Zach Condon of Beirut was playing a rooftop show in Williamsburg. I hurried to Other Music to purchase tickets and at last my heart was at ease. But alas, as is his constitutional right, he bagged last minute, and I am again sans plans. My advice? See how many processed foods you can dye red and blue, (I found a delectably disgusting recipe for blueberry mayonnaise) and then smoke a stoge. Oh, and dye the bong water too. God bless America.