let them eat schnitzel.

In the realm of exceptional edible exploits, I have wont to find a restaurant that has impressed me without fail. The menu intrigues, but the fare disappoints. In my quest as a well-fed New Yorker (not to be interchanged with fat, hefty, or thick), my experience could be easily likened to a hot date gone sour: dude is fine, but when the dick is small you draw the line. Enter Wallse. Nestled on a quaint West Village corner, this Austrian eatery boasts not only exquisite food but a dining experience entirely void of pretense. And while your goulash cravings will be heartily satiated, anor's need not fear; the steamed halibut is to die for. And you won't have to puke it up afterwards! For the fat at heart, the Salzburger Nockerl with huckleberries (a souffle of sorts) is worth the extra hour on the treadmill.
Wallse: 344 W 11th St, at Washington St. Phone: 212-352-2300

dave poops on fans no more

Yet another reason to keep that hemp necklace! Dave Matthews Band will participate in a carbon dioxide emissions “offsetting” program that will eliminate pollution equivalent to 36 million average car miles, or about what the band, and its fans, have produced on the road over the past 15 years (90% of CO2 pollution from each concert comes from fan travel alone).Some might say the band has had an environmentally challenged past, however. In April 2005, the band forked over $200,000 after one of its tour bus drivers dumped up to 800 pounds of liquid human waste off a Chicago River bridge, soaking passengers on a sightseeing boat below. Crash into me!

like dysentery without the third world country...

Leave it to the temptress of tasteful to one up herself on the vomit factor. In the upcoming August issue of Harper's Bazaar, brace yourself, Britney poses nude. Pre-natal glow, you ask? More like, I'm a little smelly down there cause Kev gave me the crabbies. If you thought Dateline was scary, you're a pussy. And now you get to kind of see one. It's Britney's. And I think it smells.

a rose is a rose is a rose

God bless the cornrow. Axl Rose was released from a Stockholm jail yesterday after being arrested for allegedly biting a security guard on the leg outside his hotel. Police officer Tove Hagg tells Swedish newspaper The Local,"I'm not sure if he was taken away in handcuffs, but he is in the drunk cell and we are waiting for him to sober up before we talk to him." Dang! Sign me up for the drunk cell anyday. Sounds kinda like Max Fisch...

tip your hat to tipton

Docu-dramas are inherently strange as a medium, most commonly bringing to mind the enthralling re-enactments on E! True Hollywood Stories or grade school history videos. When done well, however, they can shock and awe. Case in point, Michael Winterbottom's latest fete d'accompli, "Road to Guantanamo," which recreates the story of three Muslim men from Britain now known as the Tipton Three. In 2001 they set off for a wedding in Pakistan, took a side trip to Afghanistan and were captured by the Northern Alliance, held at an American military camp and later shipped to Guantánamo. They remained imprisoned there for two years, until evidence emerged that they were still in Britain at the time they were accused of having been at a rally with Osama bin Laden. The film intertwines unreal recreated footage of Afghanistan 2001 with interviews of the real Tipton Three. It is not only a brilliant film, but a shocking look at the injustices committed at Guantanamo. See it, and then write a letter to Bush to shut that shit down. Just don't use too many big words. They'll overwhelm him.
For more information visit www.roadtoguantanamomovie.com

bringing up baby

Us Weekly is counting the days that the anxiously awaiting public has been denied a view of the devil spawn Suri Cruise. As of three seconds ago, the count is at 65 days, 14 hours, 9 minutes, and 28 seconds. Did she fake the pregnancy all together? Does the kid have four arms? And if she did fake it, why the bitch still so fat?

a grain of hope for the short and stalky

Yet another testament to a tall skinny bitch's plight. According to various sources, (and by various I mean the raddest of the rags Page Six) my future boyfriend Justin Timberlake has dumped Cameron's surfing ass on the curb. Apparently, he found her too clingy. Bitches. Can't live with em, can't live without em. Does this mean we can hope for a Spears/JT reunion? A girl can dream...

have AA, will travel

For those of you who have witnessed Cat Power concerts of old, you can agree that they were not dissimilar to Chinese water torture. Her voice was ever-angelic, as was her beauty, but her psycho stage antics were undeniably unbearable. During the last concert I attended at Park Slope's South Paw, Chan didn't get through a single song without stopping mid-verse to say "I hate myself/I'm so boring/this sucks", et al. In fact, after an hour of self-loathing diatribes, she told concert-goers they should just leave. But near suicidal no more! According to recent attendees, the newly sober Marshall has turned a new leaf. Capable, confident, and consistent, she even altered the lyrics to "I hate myself and I want to die" to "I don't hate myself and I don't want to die." Baby steps Chan, baby steps.

get out of jail free.

Guantanamo guanshanamo! At 7:45 this morning three people were shot, two fatally, at a Tallahassee, Florida, federal detention center, as they attempted to arrest six corrections officers. The six guards were being arrested in an investigation into allegations that guards were trading drugs for sex with female inmates. One of those being arrested opened fire, and federal agents returned fire, killing the suspect. An agent with the Department of Justice's Office of Inspector General died in the shootout. God bless America.

angie come home

Thank God we can still rely on CNN for hard news coverage! Don't worry about the mangled bodies of American soldiers found in Iraq. And immigrants? Shmimmigrants! Tune in tonight for the devastating coverage of Angelina's first post-Africa interview. What courage. And...stop press: she's ready to adopt again. Here's a taste: “We’re looking at different countries. And we’re — I’m just– it’s gonna be the balance of what would be the best for Mad and for Z right now. It’s, you know, another boy, another girl, which country, which race would fit best with the kids.” Kind of like putting an outfit together! Mo of all mo's, Anderson Cooper interviews the nouvel mother teresa tonight at 10pm EST on CNN.

screw the burg.

Fuck the L Train! Now you can reap the fruits of the swanky borough without having to slum it! The Burg's original uber-hip artspace Galapagos is partnering with famed department store Henri Bendel to produce a series of FREE performance events. Tonight, Tuesday June 20, at 6pm, you can laugh your ass off and perhaps pocket a purse or two, as a calvalcade of NYC's best female performers and comediennes perform, including Marga Gomez, Michelle Collins, Penny Arcade, Jessica Delfino,Jenny Rubin, and Pat Canderas. Henri Bendel is located at 721 Fifth Avenue between 55th & 56th.

did i mention i'm jewish?

I've got this one pair of jeans that long ago burned me out of two hundred bucks, but I've worn them nearly every day since. And while you quietly judge me in matters of hygiene, I must say they were one of the best purchases in my young adult life. I am asked almost daily where I got them, and the answer is simple: Daryl K. I went back to Daryl K this winter to reinvest (you can stop judging me now) and was appalled to find out the designer had stopped making the perfectly skinny jeans. Either the salesperson was a community college dropout, or Daryl K. has lost her fucking mind. Regardless, I am itching to find out, and you can too as the rocker design diva holds a blowout sample sale. The duds are going for next to nothing. And by next to nothing I mean fifty to a hundred bucks.
June 21-22, 11am-8pm, 189 Bowery between Delancey and Spring Sts. # 3. Cash only.

army of shut up.

At long last, Jean-Pierre Melville's re-released 1969 noir is almost over. I have never been told by more motherfucking people, more motherfucking times, at more motherfucking places to see a motherfucking movie. And it ain't even new! Can't a sister see Just My Luck in peace? Army of Shadows has been playing at Film Forum for what seems like a lifetime, and yet each showing sells out within minutes. And just like I refused to purchase a Green Day CD in seventh grade as a protest of all that is over-hyped, I refuse to see this five-starred foreign fest. If you, however, are feeling particularly melancholy, or find yourself yearning for some french eye candy, you got four days. I'll be at the IMAX.

ebay: 2598 items found for sienna

In the history of Hollywood, uniformity is a given. Each era produces a recipe for the starlet, after which each young celebrity is fashioned. These days, we can thank celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe for popularizing hipster chic to the braindead masses. Bangles? Ballet flats? Vintage shades? Rachel Zoe. Skinny jeans, striped tanks, cowboy boots: Rachel Zoe. As a self-proclaimed trendsetter, the life of the fashionista has never been so difficult. For what are the non-celebrity-styled to do? Where to turn? All of my clothes have been corrupted by tabloid exposure. Now, any NJ trash bitch can go buy a pair of leggings at Urban Outfitters. However, I think I have found the true culprit, and she is the answer to our cries. SIENNA. If that honey would start wearing ugly dumb shit, so would the rest of the world. Then we could reclaim the fashion that is rightfully ours! So please, Sienna, be a fashionistasandanista. Start the revolution of ugly! Take em back from whence they came: TJ Maxx. And in your private time, you can break out the stretch pants.

Quit your Job!

Fuck real estate brokers! For that matter, fuck working altogether! The Department of Housing Preservation and Development has opened new subsidized housing in Cooper Square. Sixty three apartments are currently under construction to be rented for next-to-motherfucking-nothing! For a studio apartment,(if you make $21,600-$24,800 annually) you'll pay $576 a month. A one bedroom: $617. I'm sayin'. If you have a job, quit that shit! Get your ass eligible and then make money selling street chalupas to hungry cooper kids. Applications must be in by July 15, 2006. To request an application, send a postcard to:
Cooper Square II & III Affordable Housing
303 Park Ave. South
PMB1122
NY, NY 10010
or check out http://www.nyc.gov/html/hpd///html/apartment/lotteries.shtml

your gest is good as mine

Wait a minute. David Gest is a pervert? I totally couldn't tell from his shiny face transplant and abuse allegations towards Liza Minelli (a veritable lightpost of sanity). Well now there's proof beyond your barf impulse that the man is seriously creepy. Gest's assistant of a year, Charles Beyer, has filed a harrassment suit against the wackjob producer, alleging he made "sexual gestures from the beginning, forcing me to use his computer in the master bathroom, making comments such as, 'You have a small [sex organ], I bet,' [and] grabbing my butt." A small sex organ? Davey, is that the way you get a man in bed? Perhaps the workings of a deranged mind, and yet his innovation never ceased. Beyer claims Gest also "wrote in my calendar on numerous occasions," leaving directions such as, "Shake my penis, make sure it feels good," wash it "in hot water" and "dip it in chocolate fudge." Now that's what I'm talking about! So does this mean Gest is gay? Really? I would have never guessed after a marraige to Liza Minelli. The world is full of surprises...

have babies, will strip

Okay so here's the plan: make sure everyone thinks you're a dirty slut man-stealer, and then dress like one. Famed divorcee Denise Richards was welcomed with open labias as the newest member of Las Vegas's burlesque troop, The Pussycat Dolls. See, this is what I love about Denise Richards. She's like the Britney Spears of the acting world, except skinny and pretty. If she sees her public image veering just slightly towards humility or wholesome values (motherhood, abused wife, et al), she makes certain to do a goddang thing about it! Like pose for Playboy after having a baby! Or dressing like a homeless whore clown and dancing inside a huge martini glass! Work it girl!

free shit

Tonight awesomest awesome Beirut plays Other Music for free! Now you can save your money for charity. Or a subscription to In Touch.
June 12th @ 8:00 P.M.
OTHER MUSIC: 15 East 4th Street NYC
Free Admission/Limited Capacity

See the Light

Feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of an impending ice age? Fight global warming by starting in your own home. By investing in Compact Flourescent Lightbulbs, you can save energy and reduce carbon dioxide emissions to help hinder armageddon. Here's how it works: Compact fluorescent light bulbs (CFLs) give off high-quality light using a fraction of the electricity. Using CFLs puts less strain on the electric grid and saves you money. If every household replaced just three 60-watt incandescent light bulbs with CFLs, we would reduce as much pollution as if we took 3.5 million cars off the roads! Also, though the price of a CFL is higher than traditional bulbs, CFLs save in the long run. They lower your electric bill and last up to 15 times as long as the old-fashioned bulbs. For more information, visit http://www.environmentaldefense.org and http://store.fgwlighting.com. Fight the power!

helmet hair

Looking for a cheap bike? Flea market hop no more! At greatusedbikes.com, you can choose from an array of sassy vintage wheels for $160-$200. The best part of the deal is that the dude will deliver the bike to your house free of charge. Fuck hybrid cars! Embrace the two wheeled vixen, and make Gore proud.

not so pretty, not so pink

The ultimate criteria for all boys i date is that they resemble Pretty in Pink's famed arbiter of geek-chic, Duckie. I search far and wide, but no matter how lean-legged and rosy cheeked they may be, there will never be another youthful Cryer. As I look back on le pink de la pretty with adolescent desire, I am fondly reminded of the prettiest and pinkest molly ringwald. Oh how I envied her angst-ridden pout, her reconstructed floral skirts, and those signature fiery locks. In recent days, I have seen little of Molly save for a brief stint in Cabaret. And yet, at tonight's 60th Annual Tony Awards, Ms. Ringwald made an unforgettable appearance which I am trying so desperately to forget. Wha happen, Ma?! Is it drugs, Botox overload? Lazy eye? Did she try the lipstick in the bra trick on qualudes? I miss John Hughes.

oh my god i'm scared of you

For anyone who didn't know Teri Hatcher was totally fucking nuts, she has once again proved herself coo coo for fat-free invisible coco puffs. At London's Glamour Magazine Awards on June 7th, Teri was awarded TV Actress of the Year and the Editor's "Special" Award (read edibly challenged). You go girl! Special indeed! Upon accepting her award, Teri proceeded to tell the audience the reason why her hair always looks so good is because she has extensions and begins to PULL HER EXTENSIONS OUT. As if that wasn't awkward enough, she struggled to detach her fake hair for a good minute and a half. Can you say glamourous? I thought the fact that half her nostril is falling off was reason enough for concern, but this gives "cry for help" a whole new meaning.

ah peh ceh!

Ever wonder how every dude in nyc looks gay? Easy! They shop at APC! Now you too can dress like a mo as the Gallic calling card for hipsters worldwide slashes the entire store by fifty percent. But be warned, these threads are suitable for the long and lean. I have endured many a breakdown after attempting an APC spree. If you too border an eating disorder, stick to the jackets. And remember: you can never be skinny enough!
APC, 131 Mercer St. between Prince and Spring, 212-966-9685, Tues 13-July 31.

Deal or No Deal

Tis the season of the sample sale, when hordes of clothes crazed women trek to all areas of the city to grab a designer deal. Opening Ceremony, APC, and Philip Lim are just a few of the chic bargains you too can be privy to. But this bitch has a bone to pick. I am a lowly pedestrian. Most of the sample sales that I attend are still too expensive for me to afford. And yet, the bombest bargains that I can find are being swept up by rich ass muthafuhs who can buy that shit retail. Case in point: JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT. On May 30th she was spotted waiting in line at 8am for the LA James Pearse sample sale. LOVE,YOU TRIPPIN? Not only does this bitch have millions of dollars, most of the time she's nekked anyway. Leave the sales to the ladies who need em. And brush your shoulders off.

we got the digits

I must admit, my initial reaction to Santino of Bravo's famed Project Runway was negatory. He was arrogant, obnoxious, and that rattail made me wanna barf. Call me Hillary, but after watching a few episodes of his raging lunacy, I switched teams. And then that dumb Asian bitch won. But fear not! We are still in the year of Santino! Today, Friday 6/9, at 11am PST (Los Angeles) you can call Santino and ask him anything, Yes, ANYTHING! It is for a remake of a 90's show called RING MY BELL. Very strange indeed. Past participants include director Gregg Araki and club kid James St. James. The number to call is 323.603.6312 Find out more at www.ringmybell.tv or www.santinorice.com. And start by asking, "Where's my dress at?!"

English is Italian

Tonight kicked off the opening of the Brooklyn Academy of Music's Antonioni retrospective with his classic 60's flick Blow-Up. Not to be confused with the contemporary classic The Break Up. And while both films are lusciously understated in performance and aesthetic efficacy, the trek to Brooklyn might be worth the shlep. It runs June 7-29, screening twenty films in all. 30 Lafayette Ave. bam.org.

you've got gayle.

As I awaited my favorite 4:00 indulgence with heated anticipation, I mulled over which celebrity scientologist Harpo might entreat. And as the hands of time neared my fate, I settled in to watch. Oh, this was good: uncovering the secrets behind the mysterious disappearance of George Smith on his honeymoon cruise. But wait. Who the fuck? GAYLE?! Doing an interview?! Not only is this bitch ugly, but she's about as much of a people person as Martha Stewart. Even Oprah seemed embarassed When Gayle essentially accused the bride of murder to her face. It's like, who invited her? Sure she's best friends with the richest woman in the world, but does that give the buck toothed broad the right to a voice? When asked about Oprah, Gayle has said, "I never feel like I'm in her shadow, I feel like I'm in her light." Yeah, bitch and I can't see Oprah, so step out of it!

watch and learn

You know you're supposed to chew each mouthful of food thirty times before swallowing? I'm a pretty careful eater (is that a wierd thing to acknowledge?), and I'd say I average about five chews per swallow. C'est no good. But what I've realized is that I, like most non-sociopathic human beings, talk while I'm eating. My mother used to go on retreats where they enforced silent meals for this very reason. When you are distracted by convo you tend to eat much faster, not focusing on the way in which you are eating. My solution? TV DINNERS! Not like the nasty ones out of the box, just like eating while watching. This way you can chew more slowly and not be one of those wierd couples that don't talk at restaurants.

FIRECROTCH NO MORE?

Oil heiress Barbara Davis is workin hard to keep her greaseball grandson in the press. After Brandon Davis paraded around Hollywood with Paris yelling "Lindsay Lohan's a firecrotch!", he seems to now be after the pussy he just weeks ago denounced. Grandma's reporting that the two are now dating. Note to self: don't fuck fat people, even if they are rich.

Buy Magazines on Ebay!

And you thought it was only for vintage Chanel! You can now subscribe to magazines on ebay for virtually no money at all. The really intellectual publications like OK and Cosmo run for like $3 for a year's subscription. Trashy rags like the New Yorker and Harpers are around $12.99 (as compared to the $50 something youd pay otherwise!). The rationale behind this hair-raising bargain has something to do with the advertisers wanting more subscribers and not caring about the money. Who knows. Who cares! Tabloids for all!

and i don't mean lebanon

Here's what I know about Beirut:
1. it's a 19 year-old kid from Albuqurque who now lives in Brooklyn and plays like 100 instruments.
2. his album, Gulag Orkestar, dropped May 9th after much hype in the indie music circuit.
3. it's fucking rad.

As a music buff, I try to keep afloat in the bevy of new artists that gain quick pitchfork cred, but rarely do I find a band that I fall instantly in love with. At eleven, I found that in the whiny vocals of Stephen Malkmus and have never since found a voice as enthralling. There are staples: Cat Power, Yo La Tengo, Pavement, et al. And there are newbies: Joanna Newsom, The Rosebuds, Animal Collective, yada yada. This year, I'm at more of a loss. Then came Beirut. It recalls the klezmer sounds of a Europe more Eastern than we can imagine, while an inimitably mature crooner attempts the ultimate heartbreak. Buy it.

Colonics Anonymous

Let's face it, colonics are as trendy as the O.C. soundtrack. As a convert myself, I can safely say they may be my new favorite passtime. And what could be better? It's like being butt-fucked with a vacuum cleaner. Parlez-vous skinny? A few weeks ago, I was trying to reschedule a meeting with a potential film producer. Turns out we both had colonics that day. Stars aligned, asses up, we knew the partnership had a future. Not only are they great for cleaning out your shit box, but they up your energy, clear your skin, and get rid of water weight. Fuck pilates! You start with once a week for three weeks and then it's good to go once a month. And at 100 bucks a pop, it's cheaper than therapy. I'm sayin: if I'm skinny, ain't much to talk about to the shrink...

JOURNALISTS AND GAYS UNITE: YOUR GOVERNMENT HATES YOU!

Today in the Senate Judiciary hearings on the First Amendment rights of the American press, a Republican vaginahead named Dr. Schoenfeld closed his argument by saying, "The First Amendment is not a suicide pact." A covert shout out to our terrorist friends in the Middle East? Perhaps. But more importantly, a steaming pile of shit. It seems the same folks who thought democracy was synonymous with oil are attempting to pass espionage laws against American journalists. Is this what democracy looks like? Under the guise of Homeland Security, those at the top are attempting to protect our democracy by instating a dictatorship. At least Fidel knows how to party!

In other news, the mo's of America are no longer invited to partake in our Constitutional rights. Because George W. thinks marriage is an institution that solely unites man and woman, gays will have to settle for domestic partnership. I say, round up the homo's and journalists (even better, the homo journalists) and out everybody in the Senate to the press. Kill two birds with one stone! And then find those tapes of Dubbya takin' it up the rear from a tranny with a dildo and we're golden...

Don't Go Grillin' My Heart

Stop Press! I want Bobby Flay's babies! This fine purveyor of southwestern grub and veritable Food Network icon (Can you say Iron Chef America?) might just be the hottest thing since all those old people died in France. With his NY restaurants Mesa Grill and the recently opened Bar American, Flay is not only a master of culinary fortitude, but a fine Irish motherfucker. He's funny, he's a sweetheart (I've met him a few times now, and seriously creme fraiched my pants), and he loves cheese. But what? He's taken? Sadly ladies, tis true. To an equally lovely actress named Stephanie March of Law and Order fame. She's tall, she's skinny, and according to Bobby, she loves to eat. Shit bitches. If that's the criteria, I guess I'm out of the running.

GORE IS GOOD GORE IS GREAT GORE FOR PRES 2008

Well you were lookin' for charisma and you got it. Even the lefties were whinin' in 2000. Oh the woes of a bland leader! Now, six years after a stolen election, we're in a shitstorm and it ain't clearing up any time soon. I know Al Gore seemed a bit drab. His speeches were a millenium snoozefest, and as a child of the early 90's, I didn't trust that Tipper bitch either. Parental Advisory?! Get off a brother's back! Alas, I have let the wounds heal. I have recently seen Gore's fear-inducing and awe-inspiring documentary, An Inconvenient Truth, and was blown to bits not only by his incindiary slide show, but by his humor, grace, and passion. Everyone should see this film as a brilliant cautionary tale, but more importantly as an unveiling of America's newest heartthrob, Al Gore. As Tom Cruise's penchance for sodomy drives him to the looney bin and Brad Pitt loses his manhood to Mother Teresa, our nation is hungry for some middle-aged eye candy. Enter Al. 2008? Tis a Gore coup, natch! Not only do I trust him in cleaning up the mess in the Middle East, but I foresee a future in which my children can breathe freely and not be frozen in blocks of ice.